I solemnly swear I’ll get into physics – Rajdeep Dwivedi (AIR 75 JAM & 70 JEST)|Physics After Engineering blog

 

This blog is about my journey from engineering to fundamental science, this is how it goes. 

 

I used to be like a small child amused by the tricks of a magician in almost every physics class. Getting to know the physical significance of any equation is a next-level pleasure. I fell in love with physics in my junior college days and decided to pursue my career in physics. I was a decent student scoring above 250 in mocks of mains and sometimes even in advance and was very overconfident to not appear for Bits entrance. On the day I had my jee mains I was not allowed to start my jee mains on time there’s a long background story. I felt like Karna from Mahabharat in the examination hall as I could not recall anything I’ve studied in this state and I fucked myself and my dreams. After all this drama we(those who were expected to perform well in advance) were called by our tuition to Mumbai for JEE  advanced preparations. JEE mains result was declared I got 104 and cut off was 105 even now I don’t have words to express my condition that time. I ran from my pg crying with suicidal tendencies, my legs were too numb to even walk so I sat and cried for quite long. I’ve got a habit to talk to myself, correct myself and one quite famous line in sports that I recalled at that moment was “it doesn’t matter how much down you are you’ll face defeat if you’re willing to face it “.

I dropped my ideas for suicide and said to myself that no matter where you’re, you’re only one breakthrough behind from your ultimate dreams. 

Came back to my home my parents and people around had a lot of words to taunt every now and then which slowed down my healing of this trauma. My parents had a deal for me that I can repeat only if I pursue engg. and not BSc or BTech physics and my condition were not good to decide anything so I took admission in a decent college. 

Tried my best to grow my interest in my department did some research projects published papers on my work and finally landed on the conclusion that I am best suited to study physics. I got to know about the blog through my friend , I sincerely prepared for GATE (tuitions, test series and self-study) but when I got to know that I can pursue masters in physics , I applied for JAM and didn’t go for gate and also didn’t appeared for any further company’s placement drive and decided not to go for any jobs or anything which diverts me from my aim. 

Which was obviously very much criticised by my parents and my friends too. Many times my parents labelled me with a word which is slang for stupid in Hindi 😂.  I started preparing for jam but the last two months I didn’t get much time for preparations due to end sem and project work. I appeared for jam 2019 committed silly mistakes costing me 19 marks and got AIR 1152 which was obviously not good enough for me to get into any good colleges as an engineer. After this, my parents pressurised me to join a job just because they think it’s better for me to settle down and become independent early as many others do. Also, my friends and people around used to convey me in some or the other ways that I ain’t smart enough to be what I want to. In that duration, I had few personal issues too and few questions haunting me every time I tried to sleep like what I am gonna do if something goes wrong again? am I below average person with some extraordinary dreams? am I really made for this? are my parents and friends right? am I really living in some fantasy? 

And more issues just resonated and destroyed my mental health leading to high anxiety, major depression etc. I went for counselling, went for a trip sat alone for 5,6 hours in night time on the beach talked to myself, tried to restore myself and this night I rescued myself. 

I decided I am gonna get what I want no matter what and was ready to face any worst condition. I went back home told my parents I am gonna take a drop,  as expected my parents opposed because this was a harder path and might get me into trouble if something goes wrong. We almost had a fight and I said that ” Ghar chodke chala jaaunga jhaadu pocha maar lunga but physics hi padhunga” (I’ll leave home and do whatever for my living but I’ll study physics)  and literally I was ready for anything. After this my parent’s frequency of having a discussion on this topic reduced. Still, I had to listen to them once in a week but after you’ve decided something with stubbornly nothing like this would affect you. I started preparing had some health issues had surgeries, was ill for a while then came back resumed my preparations in December. I used to have frequent discussions on concepts with Kishlay and Rishabh which helped me. Then I started giving mocks where Harshul and I used to have a discussion on almost every mock which again helped me a lot. Last 20 days were all about read revise solve learn repeat. I appeared for JAM and JEST physics 2020 and got AIR 75 and 70 respectively though it’s not a great rank but a decent one that can get me into top colleges of India. Now guess what…. my parents were the happiest people to hear this, they said we’re proud of you that actually means a lot. No matter your plans matches with theirs or not they always want you to be happy and satisfied. I haven’t shared my preparations because it’s same as others have explained in their respective blogs. I would like to thank Physics after engineering community and it’s founder Dussy boi, also Kiran Estake senior from my college JAM 2019 AIR 13 for guiding me whenever I was in need.